I am tired and drained, but at the same time I want to sit here and write. So then I share how I feel. The truth is I feel shitty, but I was able to go and buy food since I was finally was able to go to the store. But currently it is mostly a chore and I’m getting terribly exhausted, more often now than before .. So it is extra hard at the moment, I feel so small and insignificant during these periods. Being stressed by social settings and too many people. This is the time I call for “recharging” and there’s no one who understands or can do something about this. Bipolar is not a desirable diagnosis to bear, it takes over my life and how much I can or can manage to do from time to time. I never know how my days are .. The worst is when I am tired of everything. And that’s when I hibernate, dig down, lock the door and locate in and under my couch and covers. Because there will be a feast soon as Christmas and New Year is coming up. This means, people, socializing, long minutes and a lot of anxiety and stress in advance. I try of course to be positive, but it is not just turning off, around or think differently. I do not own my own brain, and my mind have zero clues on who controls it from time and time ..
But I know that this social anxiety came back strongly after Thursday’s rebound, no one is guilty. I should think so far that I always remember to take precautions. But it becomes a lame life .. And when I fail other than just sitting here I feel so useless, little and invaluable. Simply smiling is hard, everything feels so fake. I will not make eye contact, can not bear a lot of noise, almost do not eat, getting tired just because I have to go to the bathroom and feel that everybody look at me like I’m retarded … And I’ve always been optimistic and positive. Now she is the girl now trapped in my own head with trauma, anxiety disorders and identity disorders. But the worst is BD, for it can not be described, and I have still not fully aware of my own limits, but it’s starting to happen. I’ve realized that now I must stop saying yes to everything, it’s okay for me; “No, today I cannot come, unfortunately not.” I never say anything against the people when others say no .. Then comes the other side, mania, where I talk nonstop, move around and want to have people with different things all the time but no one is up there with me. In these periods I eat less, sleep less, are too social and just think that I can conquer the world one minute! It is a completely raw feeling, until I fall and see who I have destroyed, how much money I’ve spent and what I’ve managed to reel off me .. It’s downright scary. Should be said that I have better control after I started on my medicine, but it does not remove the symptoms, it put this fog-ish like stuff on it.
I’m working on this all the time, every day and wonder if I get something in return for it soon? I’ve taken a few precautions that are very wise of mental ill to follow. It is very important to talk about your problems, be honest, obtain help via a doctor or psychologist, psychiatrist or therapist, medication, learn about diagnoses and medicines, educate others about your problems (friends, girlfriend/boyfriend, family ..), monitor side effects, diet, work on themselves and exercise. I have not come to training yet, but that’s because a violent ex-boyfriend forced me to train, because he had a notion of how everything should be and because how I would appear as person .. So I explain myself to people, excuse me for things I did not do, afraid to be me and are still searching for my identity. The reason why I open myself up is because all the ugly and nasty I feel people are thinking when they look at me. “Why does she so nervous? Why she cuts teeth? Why shake your feet? Her hands tremble? She looks misshapen out? She’s not good enough for anything? Do you see how ugly she is? She is fat? Chains herself? Why will she did not make eye contact? ” And these are just a few examples of what goes around 24/7 in my brain! And no, it’s not something we can just stop or turn on. The reason is because I have never had any high opinion of me, I just thought that there’s a reason for all the misery and that’s because I’m going to share my experiences with just you. Getting it out of the gloom and the shadow we live behind. It’s time to talk about invisible illnesses.
Love, Any Bryde
